hrmmmm….

i really don’t know if i like this fucking thing. it’s confusing to use and i’m not as technologically advanced as i once was. maybe because i gave up trying to learn about the internet’s new-fangled toys and i think the internet is full of shit most of the time. actually i think most people on the internet are full of shit to be more precise.

i went on this major delete spree on facebook today. i was taking out a lot of my status updates for the last month with the intent of deleting EVERYTHING i’d posted over the last several years but after an hour of that i got bored to tears clicking that stupid ‘x’ next to the blurbs and i eventually gave up. i then toyed around with the idea of shutting down my personal site and just leaving the Era Nocturna one up there as some connection point. i don’t really know why i feel this way. i’m wondering if it’s the effects of coming off the seroquel that are making me so grumpy or if it’s the last discussion i had in therapy where i was actually honest with my therapist about how i feel about life and people in general. i’ve come to this realization that i’m very distrustful and i lack faith in people as a whole because i truly believe that people are only “in it” for themselves and not to be genuinely good. of course, this changes on a day to day basis. one day i think people are good at the base level (or they want to be) and on another day i think, as i said, that most people are full of shit and only like you so long as you have something to offer or they find you interesting for the time being.

in the past i would pull some sort of stunt to get people’s attention when i wasn’t interesting to them anymore. now i don’t give a rat’s ass and i’m content to bury my face in a book and live someone else’s life for a time. i just got finished living Ozzy Osbourne’s life for the past two days. it was amusing, sad, inspirational, and i envied him in some ways. i thought to myself, “if only i’d started earlier, my own career would have been further along.” but maybe not. i don’t think most people gave a fuck about Era Nocturna from day one and in the end it’s made me not really give a fuck either. i just do it out of pure compulsion at this point. i can’t stop. it’s my drug essentially. some people have pills, booze, coke, or heroin… i have music because life won’t let me become a drug addict now as much as i honestly would love to escape from the reality most of the time. i suppose popping mind altering shit like psychotropic meds is a form of socially acceptable drug addiction but i can’t ride that train. it fucks up everything else i’m forced to do like have a day job. if i were to take those pills as instructed i’d be a zombified chunk of meat sitting on the couch mindlessly watching netflix all day trying not to pass out from the sedative effect the medication has. “oh it’ll give you a great night sleep, you’ll be fine in the morning,” said the nurse. yeah, in what world would that be Mrs. Moore? the stuff she gave me was enough to knock down a heard of African elephants and it gives me cause to wonder if she thinks there’s more wrong with me than she let on. perhaps i shouldn’t have told my therapist that i think about decking at least every other person i come across when i’m going about my day to day life. violent compulsions scare mental health professionals i think. but they’re compulsive thoughts, not impulses. if they were impulses i’d be laying off and whacking every person who looked at me in a funny way. believe me, i would absolutely LOVE to but i don’t because the law frowns upon that sort of behavior i hear.

truth be told i don’t really know why i feel that way. perhaps it’s modeled behavior that i witnessed growing up or maybe i really am that tapped and that angry. i definitely have a right to feel that way given the fucked up way i’ve been treated most of my life but… hey, life’s hard. suck it up.

i’ve grown tired of the facebook thing because i’ve found that people show a disturbing lack of interest in each other on that site. it’s become a place of accepted narcissism that has grown to distressing proportions. people are contented to know if someone “likes” what they have to say and are willing to accept that people will not make the effort to actively comment on what others are sharing. granted, knowing what someone had for dinner isn’t worth a commentary but someone sharing a triumph or a sadness seems worth a comment to me. i’ve tried but then seeing the lack of reciprocity i gave up.

nothing i do in my life, when i really look at it, is worth a running commentary on a website or anywhere else outside of a personal journal. so i’ve sort of decided at this point that i’m done with it. if something major happens then i’ll share it but whether or not i’ve taken a piss or i’m having corn with my chicken on any given evening isn’t worth sharing anymore. i’m 30 and i don’t need the reinforcement of my ego to prove i’m worth something when i get a “like” for my inane routine. this journal is only here now because i’m too fucking lazy to pick up a pen and write in a book. writer’s cramp is never fun so i do what i do here because it’s my fruitless attempt at keeping myself sane now when the noise in my head gets too overwhelming. off the seroquel it’s starting up quite quickly and i don’t care for it very much.

facebook has taught me a lot about the people i call my friends in the last several years. i know what you all like, what you dislike, what you eat, what you think about political issues, what you wish you could have, what you don’t want. i don’t think anyone should ever know that much about another person. it’s disturbing how much we all over share. i’m guilty of it too but it’s a compulsion for me. i spent my formative years in therapeutic environments, i don’t know how to not share what i’m thinking. most of you didn’t so what’s your excuse?

the other thing facebook taught me is that nowadays friends really only serve the purpose to remind you how alone you truly are in the world. the bigger the number of people you know on a social site, the least likely you are to have any legitimate connections to the offline world. i don’t really need the reminder that i’m damaged and unable to connect, i’ve been painfully aware of it since i was 5.

9 months ago  /  0 notes

onward to tomorrow… and the next day

Today I feel rather irritated. I made the mistake of taking my meds far too late and it’s completely wrecked anything I’d planned to do today. Not that I really had anything planned per se… I’m on my final 2 days of unintended vacation before I rejoin the workforce and become a productive member of society. Rightfully I should be sitting on my ass and enjoying the act of doing absolutely nothing but I’m not. I think perhaps it’s a lack of control over the matter entirely. This is partially why I’ve always hated medication. If its little tricks aren’t ironed out it has the ability to turn your view of the world into a foggy vision. No, sir, I don’t like it.

I suppose I should be happy though. Things are going quite well. The job I was begging for has come through, I’m back in college effective September 5th, my boyfriend is the shit, and my band is going back to work the Friday after next. Not to mention I’m seeing Alice Cooper on the 25th. So that’s a great thing overall right? Right.

I think part of my frustration has to do with the fact that I feel quite lost socially. After several months of living here in the Noho area, I’m still not sure how to make friends. I realized today while I was laying about that the way I made friends in the past was to go on the internet and do it. You threw in some keywords on MySpace back in the day and it’d show you a menu of people that could become friends. I would sit there for a bit each night looking over the faces and making snap judgements based on images, “Not cool enough, too cool for me, oh that’s scary… is that a man or a woman?? Did she photoshop her own nose???” In time I’d find some people that met my exacting standards and messages would be exchanged. More often than not, my instincts were correct and I ended up with some awesome friends. Jinx was probably the biggest win of all when I found her due to her Three Brain reference of “yo muthafucka weeeeeeeeee.” It was fate haha

Now, I don’t really know how to make friends. I’ve never been good at just going up to random strangers and striking up a conversation. It may seem from reading this shit that I’ve got the gift of gab but that is so not the case. I really just suck at it to be honest. I’m shy, awkward, and pretty much a major fucking dork. I mean come on, I’m majoring in biology. That has geek written all over it. So, I don’t know. How do you out there make friends?

It kind of saddens me to think that we’re in a culture now that some of us have a hard time making real life connections and we’re forced to rely on the internet to do so. I often want to ask my older friends who lived in the time before the net how they did it but most of them are so addicted to the net now that I’m afraid they may have forgotten. I’ve reaped many benefits from the technology age but I fear that I’ve lost some of myself in the process. It’s kind of sad.

9 months ago  /  2 notes

“today’s the greatest day i’ve ever known…”

I really wish that sentiment could reflect what I’m feeling. I don’t feel down, bad, sad, or anything of the sort. I pretty much feel like nothing at all except tired. Bone tired. Apparently this is a side effect of Seroquel XR which I’m not taking to try and get a handle on my depression and mood swings. Yep, Dae finally got help for that. It was a long time coming. Years in fact. I mean, I’ve done the therapy thing here and there but after my last stint in therapy I gave up because to me it just seemed hopeless. The meds hadn’t worked, the talking hadn’t worked. Nothing. worked.

This time around I decided to go back and try again because I was tired of feeling like everything was going well in my life yet I was still unable to feel happy about it. Part of me did but the rest of me couldn’t be fucked to care one way or another. That’s not really acceptable to me. Nor was the fact that I was really in this mood to off myself for a while there so… calls were made, appointments scheduled, and now I’m on this new leg of the journey trying to “right” the “wrongs” in my brain via perception and chemical imbalance.

The Seroquel was started last night and today I feel like a zombie. I’m supposed to be at my friend Joanna’s playing Scrabble or watching a movie and instead I’m sitting here writing this. Prior to this I was sitting here with the laptop on my lap’s top staring at the screen unsure of what I should be doing. I feel a lot of confusion and I’m very lethargic and, oh my god, am I thirsty! I don’t really like this so I researched a bit online and found others have felt this way and that it does pass. Joanna assured me of the same. So I guess I just have to hang in there and try to do what I can in the meantime. Some also suggested to other medicateds out there that taking the medication earlier in the evening, like at 7PM, will help with the next day hang over. Having taken it at 10PM last night probably contributed to my current state so… lesson learned. Tonight I’ll take it at 8 since I have no where to be tomorrow besides therapy.

In good news, I start my new job on Thursday. I’m kind of glad it worked out that way since I have a placement exam to take at school on Monday and I kind of wanted to get that done rather than wait.

Anyway, speaking of getting done. I think I’m gonna try and get myself moving. Maybe a shower will wake me up. I can hope at least.

10 months ago  /  Notes

tumblrbot asked: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE INANIMATE OBJECT?

My cellphone.

10 months ago  /  0 notes

So this is the new “big” thing?

I feel restless. I’m over facebook (I’ve BEEN over it). LiveJournal’s been ignored for months. I want something new. So I’m giving this thing a whirl. Maybe it’ll be my new addiction or something. Maybe.

I’m wary of becoming too addicted to the internet again though. I did it for over 6 years. Coming away from it was akin to coming off opiates. Well, not to the point that I was lying in bed screaming while a baby on the ceiling crawled toward me but… still, it was hard. Maybe it was the idea of what I was walking away from. Some illusion that was painted for me at the time. The reality at the time was rather ugly too so I didn’t like that either. My reality now is much more in sync with the things I wanted for myself long ago so… that’s good.

The last several months have been a mixture of difficult versus not difficult. My relationship is the easiest I’ve been in. I love where I live. My band is kicking ass and taking names. I’ve finally gotten a job. I’ve been accepted to a new college so I can finish my degree once and for all. But something’s missing. I tried to pin down what it is and I think it’s the lack of contact here with a solid group of friends. Back in central MA I had a crew. People I could call on almost any time to grab breakfast on Sunday mornings. People I could meet up with for coffee. People I could just sit around with and have a beer while we discussed nothing any everything. At one time I had my go-to best friend whom I could call on for anything. Sadly the friends are far away and that best friend turned out to be an emotionally unbalanced person who scared the shit out of me. My best friend now is my boyfriend who sagely listens to all of my bullshit without complaint but that isn’t right. It’s out of sync with what SHOULD be. So… what to do? I’m not sure.

Anyway… not a very cheerful first post but it’s honest. That’s a good thing.

10 months ago  /  0 notes